The PGA Tour Players (by Richard Berthiaume)
I was in a Fred Funk. The Tournament was over and none of the Canadians had made the cut. In order to Adam Hadwin they only had to break Jason Parnevik. The blustery conditions would not Graham Delaet them do it. They could have Mackenzie Hughes it to their advantage but they did not. David might have Hearned some money today but he missed by one shot when his Nick Taylor Made iron stinger ran like a sick dick and went out of bounds.
After Dustin my Johnson off all night I was ready for more action. So I went to my neighborhood watering hole to check out the candidates. Three ladies came in and I noticed that one had two ugly Nicolas Colsaerts on her lip which drew attention away from the huge Jamie Lovemark on her neck. The second one had a rather ample Tyrone Van Asswagen so I gave her a little Retief Goosen as she walked by. She looked kind of John Bland. The third one was Billy Mayfairly attractive but had a Curtis Strange look about her that made me think maybe she was Brian Gay. I asked if she came there often and she replied that after she had recently dumped her Bryson Dechambeau she came here John Daly and that she only stayed away on Fred Couples night.
After I informed here that I was somewhat of a Gary Player myself, I ordered some drinks and in the midst of lubricating my oratorical powers I tried to impress her with a couple of Paul Azingers relating to her dermatologically challenged friend and then told her the story about two old David Eger Harris English church ladies getting Nick Faldoed in the back of a 1937 Doug Ford pickup truck while holding a Justin Rose and saying Brian Grace just behind the Kevin Chappel. She David Howelled and proceeded to put her hand on my Scott Dunlap and began to fondle my Jason Bohn. I asked if she wanted to come to my place and she said “Well we Patrick Cantlay here.”
When we got there she hung her shawl on the Jason Kokrak. I then tried to Kevin Kisner. No reaction so I thought that I would John Senden the reinforcements to try and gain a few D. A. Points and soften her up. I took out a couple of Kyle Reiffers and after we were done smoking I prepared a tasty plate of Rory Sabbatini Bolognese and opened a nice bottle of 1987 Chianti Trevino.
The evening was progressing well when she excused herself to go potty. I heard her Rod Spittle in the toilet and then she Patrick Hurleyed. YIKES. After we both regained our composure I offered her an after dinner drink. We sat on the couch and she let me Brooks Kopka feel. I knew that things were progressing well when she asked if she could remove a few things and I eagerly agreed. Then she proceeded to remove her wig, her false teeth, 2 prostheses, a glass eye, fake fingernails and false eyelashes. CALCAVECCHIA MATSUYAMA. It was then that I realized that there was Ryan Moore of her on the bed than the person I was looking at.
Not to be discouraged, I then let her slide out of her knickers to reveal a very, very, very Fuzzy Zoeller. I concluded that no Miller Barber had visited there for a while and trimmed that Sean O’Hair as she still looked like a wooly mammoth and there could have been a Steve Elkington hidden in that Wanda Busch. I didn’t know what to do with her.
Do I Palmer? Do I Fowler, do I Kuchar, do I Stricker, do I Langer, do I Gilder or Maybe I could Lickliter? NO…. So I decided to Snedeker. Chris Wood and so would Tiger.
She then removed my underwear and made a snide comment about the length of my Russ Cochran and snickered and asked who I thought I would please her with that little Ollie Schneiderjans. I replied “mostly me”. I then let it be known that I was tired of her Billy Horschel, flipped her the Robin Bird and escorted that Paul Broadhurst out the door. Then I thought D.A. Weibring her? I then had a Gary Koch and went to bed.
The next Jason Day, feeling somewhat remorseful, I called her to make amends and ask for a date not expecting her to agree, but to my surprise, after going on a bit of a Joe Durant about my behavior the previous David Knight she agreed to give me one more chance. I decided to take here where I could Russel Henley her in the car. We went to Andy North Bay (PORT).
After the previous evening’s fiasco, I decided to get down to business when we got there. She seemed eager but she made another negative comment about my ample William McGirth. I told her to get in the back seat or Ernie Els she could walk home. As she was departing I said “Sergio Garcia” she noticed the Smylie Kaufman on my face and said, “You SOB, and don’t you call me for a date tomorrow night”. I replied, “Why not?” “Cause I won’t be at my Peter Oosterhuis yet”.
I couldn’t work in Kevin Triangale and Jason Lingmerth.
After Dustin my Johnson off all night I was ready for more action. So I went to my neighborhood watering hole to check out the candidates. Three ladies came in and I noticed that one had two ugly Nicolas Colsaerts on her lip which drew attention away from the huge Jamie Lovemark on her neck. The second one had a rather ample Tyrone Van Asswagen so I gave her a little Retief Goosen as she walked by. She looked kind of John Bland. The third one was Billy Mayfairly attractive but had a Curtis Strange look about her that made me think maybe she was Brian Gay. I asked if she came there often and she replied that after she had recently dumped her Bryson Dechambeau she came here John Daly and that she only stayed away on Fred Couples night.
After I informed here that I was somewhat of a Gary Player myself, I ordered some drinks and in the midst of lubricating my oratorical powers I tried to impress her with a couple of Paul Azingers relating to her dermatologically challenged friend and then told her the story about two old David Eger Harris English church ladies getting Nick Faldoed in the back of a 1937 Doug Ford pickup truck while holding a Justin Rose and saying Brian Grace just behind the Kevin Chappel. She David Howelled and proceeded to put her hand on my Scott Dunlap and began to fondle my Jason Bohn. I asked if she wanted to come to my place and she said “Well we Patrick Cantlay here.”
When we got there she hung her shawl on the Jason Kokrak. I then tried to Kevin Kisner. No reaction so I thought that I would John Senden the reinforcements to try and gain a few D. A. Points and soften her up. I took out a couple of Kyle Reiffers and after we were done smoking I prepared a tasty plate of Rory Sabbatini Bolognese and opened a nice bottle of 1987 Chianti Trevino.
The evening was progressing well when she excused herself to go potty. I heard her Rod Spittle in the toilet and then she Patrick Hurleyed. YIKES. After we both regained our composure I offered her an after dinner drink. We sat on the couch and she let me Brooks Kopka feel. I knew that things were progressing well when she asked if she could remove a few things and I eagerly agreed. Then she proceeded to remove her wig, her false teeth, 2 prostheses, a glass eye, fake fingernails and false eyelashes. CALCAVECCHIA MATSUYAMA. It was then that I realized that there was Ryan Moore of her on the bed than the person I was looking at.
Not to be discouraged, I then let her slide out of her knickers to reveal a very, very, very Fuzzy Zoeller. I concluded that no Miller Barber had visited there for a while and trimmed that Sean O’Hair as she still looked like a wooly mammoth and there could have been a Steve Elkington hidden in that Wanda Busch. I didn’t know what to do with her.
Do I Palmer? Do I Fowler, do I Kuchar, do I Stricker, do I Langer, do I Gilder or Maybe I could Lickliter? NO…. So I decided to Snedeker. Chris Wood and so would Tiger.
She then removed my underwear and made a snide comment about the length of my Russ Cochran and snickered and asked who I thought I would please her with that little Ollie Schneiderjans. I replied “mostly me”. I then let it be known that I was tired of her Billy Horschel, flipped her the Robin Bird and escorted that Paul Broadhurst out the door. Then I thought D.A. Weibring her? I then had a Gary Koch and went to bed.
The next Jason Day, feeling somewhat remorseful, I called her to make amends and ask for a date not expecting her to agree, but to my surprise, after going on a bit of a Joe Durant about my behavior the previous David Knight she agreed to give me one more chance. I decided to take here where I could Russel Henley her in the car. We went to Andy North Bay (PORT).
After the previous evening’s fiasco, I decided to get down to business when we got there. She seemed eager but she made another negative comment about my ample William McGirth. I told her to get in the back seat or Ernie Els she could walk home. As she was departing I said “Sergio Garcia” she noticed the Smylie Kaufman on my face and said, “You SOB, and don’t you call me for a date tomorrow night”. I replied, “Why not?” “Cause I won’t be at my Peter Oosterhuis yet”.
I couldn’t work in Kevin Triangale and Jason Lingmerth.